I'll Take 'Hotter Than Haides' For $1000 Alex

So getting to Tikal was a little bit ... okay, a huge freaking circus, but if you ever have the chance, I highly recommend you make the effort to visit this place. As you can tell by the sweat dripping off us, it's hot here ... but the reality is that we're in a freaking jungle people! What do you really expect!? The Mayan ruins at Tikal are amazing. They're set smack in the middle of the jungle and there's no real water source, which makes the engineering feat even more impressive. In addition to the pyramids, they figured out how to make waterways and reservoirs. They also figured out how to avoid being eaten by jaguars. I'm told that the best way to do this is by ripping the still-beating-heart out of a drugged virgin and then burn the heart as an offering to the gods ...but I still think it had more to do with stone buildings that didn't require you sleeping on the jungle floor...but that's just me, and I'm just a lowly biology major.

After a night a semi-sleep due to the temp/ humidity and howler monkeys (yes, howler monkeys. They're not real big, but you'd think they were the size of an elephant for all the freaking noise they can make!) we woke up at 0430 and met up with a hiking group just outside the park. We had paid for a guide to take us to Temple #5, which is the tallest in the park, in order to watch the sunrise. As is typical, the fog was too thick to see the actual sunrise, but we did get to enjoy watching and listening to the entire jungle waking up. Birds, bugs, monkey, etc all began to stir as we looked over the mist-covered jungle and ruins of Tikal. Very cool, and very spiritual for all who attended...all except the two broads at the end. They just couldn't seem to understand why we were just sitting there... their loss.

In honor of the two broads who couldn't shut up while waiting for the sunrise ... allow me to digress for a moment ... Those of you who've traveled inter- nationally will understand that horrible feeling you get in your stomach when you're in a foreign country and you're watching a group of people (in this case two people) making asses of themselves ...and then you have the terrible realization of "oh crap, those morons are American". And then you spend the rest of the day trying not to look or act like an American. It's not to say that I haven't had my moments when traveling, but there is a fine...okay not so fine line between "out having fun" and "ugly American". I thought I'd have to kill the two girls myself when one asked "so, what is the relation of these pyramids to the ones in Egypt". Now admittedly, I'm not a history major, but I'm pretty sure that there wasn't any 'intercontinental highway' between Central America and Egypt some 3,000 years ago! Fortunately, the ladies turned out to be from South Africa ...which absolutely made my day, because I no longer had to spend my limited free time convincing everyone that "not all American's are like that".

Okay, back on subject ... After the sun came up we toured some of the other ruins. This is when the guide really came in handy. He told us about the Mayas, their culture, why the pyramids where there, about their money and how the Indigenous people of Guatemala were still distinctly Mayan, but wholly assimilated at the same time. It's an amazing group, that figured out how to 'play the Spaniards game' which meant they would survive and not get wiped out like other indigenous people of the Americas (Aztecs, etc). We saw 'leaf-cutter' ants and coffee trees. I caught a gecko and we searched for crocodiles (no luck though). The guide left us around 0830, and we headed back for breakfast at the hotel. After a traditional Guatemalan breakfast of eggs and plantains, we hiked back into the park for a few more hours.

By the way, my wife is really freaking hot! We had about two hours before our ride picked us up to take us to the airport at Flores. We were hiking around the ruins when the rains started. Not the 'gentle California rain' that we're used to. No, no, no. This was the full-on 'thunder and lighting, torrential downpour that jungles are famous for' rain. But the rain was warm, so it wasn't that bad. I even got to make out in the rain with my wife for a little... did I mention that she's hot? After that, we hung out with some other tourists and avoided the rain by hiding in one of the old Mayan royal houses. We figured that people have probably been taking cover in that house for about 2,000 years... kinda surreal.

By the end of two days worth of hiking the ruins, my foot was swollen and I was having some serious trouble walking. It seemed fitting that when I got to the top of one of the pyramids, a giant vulture was waiting for me. I think they figured that the tall, limping, skinny, pink thing was on his way out and all they needed to do was wait! Even better, I was making my way up to their nest to die and they wouldn't need to fly down and pick at my bones. Well screw that I say. Kate asked if I was okay or if we should stop and go back to the hotel and rest. To quote Henry Rollins "I'd better be okay. I didn't fly 3,000 miles to say 'oww, my foot hurts'." Now keep in mind, that didn't stop me from complaining about it the entire time, it just stopped me from going back the hotel and then complaining about it. Kate is truly the better half... anyone that can put up with me for that long is a champion...hell, I couldn't put up with me for that long!

Did He Just Call Me Fat?

Kate and I left Antigua as the sun was coming up and took a 45 minute shuttle ride to the airport in Guatemala City. Upon check-in the "trainee" for TACA Airlines told us "there isn't room on the plane, so you'll have to take a later flight." Kate pointed out that his logic sucked since we had paid full fare and had arrived in plenty of time. His response was classic: "Oh, there are seats, there's just too much weight for the plane." A number of comments, from "What weight problem? You think I have a weight problem with this girlish figure?" to "Fine, where's the nearest airport bar?" went racing through my mind. As I was attempting to translate "girlish figure" into Spanish, Kate convinced the guy to look harder and twenty minutes later, we had one seat ... yup you read that right, one seat. And not the 'she-can -sit-on -your-lap -for-the -hour-flight' kind, no no no. This was the 'just-send -your-wife-on -a-different -flight-and -hope-that -by-the-time -you-get -there-she -hasn't-been -kidnapped' kind. We were also told to proceed to the gate so the flight staff could try to find a second seat... at first I thought this was an excuse to get rid of us. 5-miles later...I figured out he was just counting on passengers sweating off enough water weight that the airline could squeeze one more person on.

The gate staff was a little more helpful ...sort of. After letting everyone else onto the plane, they brought us up to the podium to decide our fate (in actuality, they never asked us to come up, and they probably would have liked if we'd just sat there). After going through the ticket for the passengers already on the plane (multiple times), they apparently came up with a different number and decided we could have an extra seat. The gate attendant, a bowling ball of a man, escorted us to the plane. I was so stoked that both Kate and I were getting on the plane, that I actually hugged that man...yup, right there on the tarmac. Twenty minutes later we were soaring over the jungles of Guatemala on our way to the Mayan ruins of Tikal.

By the way, if you ever have a chance to hug the gate attendant at a regional airline while in a third world country...don't.

Should You Get That Looked At?

I have ugly feet. That is a statement of fact, not just my personal opinion. Of my many short comings, there are those that I try to work on and those that I don't ... obviously, my feet fall into the second category. I've played sports requiring cleats since I was seven... what do you really expect? That in mind, if you're ever traveling in an area that has mosquitoes, and you get bit on the ankle (numerous times), begin to see swelling and still decide "ah, I'm sure it'll be fine" ...then you're an idiot. That's right ladies, 6'2" and 190lbs of talk, dark and jackass. To make matters worse, this kind of thing has happened before ...once after a spider bite in South Carolina and another time after another spider bite in Japan (try playing charades with a Japanese doctor to explain "bite" and "spider" ..."wait, you bit yourself?" ..."what, a snake did this?!").

(Act I, Scene I: *Curtain up* The scene takes place in the deep jungle. It's dark, the only exception is a burning cigarette in the mouth of a camoflaged soldier. Next to our hero are his rifle, an empty MRE and sandbags piled around a fox hole. It's hot here, the kind of heat that drains a man of his will to live. In the distance you can hear helicopters). "We were one-week out of base camp when all hell broke lose. The mosquitoes, err... enemy was relentless. The further into the jungle we went for cover ...only caused them to double, then triple their effort. We were ambushed while 'zip-lining'. The rest of my team made it out, but I was left behind... you see, once you're bit, the enemy knows they have you. All your comrades can do it leave you and hope that you can limp your dumb-ass around town without too much pain. Two days later the swelling started. Does it really all end here in the jungles of Guatemala?" (End scene. *Curtains down*) Stay tuned for Act II, where Dennis Hopper gives his "do you know that 'if' is the middle word in 'life'" ('Apocalypse Now' reference)...academy award, here I come.

(Back to reality) Lisa Escobar is an RN, so I asked her professional opinion. "I'm not so worried about the swelling, but the fact that its warm to the touch and turning colors isn't good". Maybe she's right, but I'm sure I'll be fine... by the time we made it to Tikal two days later, walking was painful at best, I was running a temperature and only wrapping my foot/ankle tightly with an ace-bandage kept the whole thing from swelling so much that it became immobile. "Josh, you're an idiot" you might say. But I say "don't judge so fast", I mean, untreated it will only impede my ability to walk for the next two weeks or so... no big deal, right? The guy that worked the hotel desk, bar, restaurant and internet service in Tikal wanted to know what would cause so much trouble. I kept telling him "mosquito", but he just stared at me with a confused look on his face. Assuming that my Spanish was the problem, I quickly told him that it must have been either "hormigas" (ants) or "pulgas" (fleas). This caused even more confusion on his face. Turns out the word for 'mosquito' in Spanish is (get this) "mosquito" ...maybe he was just worried that I'd die before paying for our room?

You're Not From Around Here, Are You?

We woke up the next day to a perfect morning. The sun was out, flowers were in bloom ...and breakfast was included with our rooms. I should point out here that the Poway Unified School District did one hell of a job teaching me Spanish. I had no problems at all ... if the conversation was limited to ordering breakfast. 'Small talk' with the locals about tourist things to do, how to get a shuttle to Guatemala City, etc?... yeah, not so much. But overall, my Spanish is getting better ...if we were staying another few months, it might just work out.

It took everyone awhile to rally, but it was a good excuse to relax a little in the morning. Then Brandy, Matt, Becky, Brent, Whitney, Jason, Kate and myself went out to do some sightseeing around town. Antigua is known as a bit of a tourist place because there are a number of Spanish Schools where folks much like yourself will enroll to immerse themselves in the culture and... get this, learn Spanish. But Antigua is also know for its churches. Many of them are in complete disrepair due to earthquakes and lack of funding. But the government has recently started to realize that there is a great deal of culture here in Antigua, and the money has started to... well, trickle in.

Jason was smart enough to do some pre- planning, and he was able to map out a good route for us to take around town. We hit up no fewer than a ten different churches ... churches that are now used as schools ... churches that have been turned into jails (which also happens to have the local boyscout meeting hall attached to it... yeah, I thought that was a little peculiar too). We ended up at 'La Recoleccion'. Its is...er, was a church, convent, mission, school and meeting place all in one until the earthquake wiped the whole thing out. The church/locals started planning the building in the 1600s. Construction took place in the early 1700s (which I'm told is incredible turn around for back then). Construction was completed and the church was inaugurated in 1717...about nine months later, 'the big one' hit and the whole complex became a piles of ruins. It was never used again (except as a backdrop for our photo) ...and if that ain't a 'sign', then I don't know what is.

Later in the day we hit up the local ice cream parlor. We also caught up with "Los 'los's" (Carlos y Carlos) who were out on scooters. They offered a ride, but something about: scooter + broken signal + no street lanes + no helmets + picture in my head of my buddy Joe after wiping out on a scooter in Indonesia + leaving wife behind = not a chance in hell. Later that night we met up with Rudy and Brenda (friends of Suzanne y Carlos) and had a great dinner at a place called Las Palmas (that's 'The Palms' for all of you English-only speakers). Then Kate and I crashed at the hotel so we could be ready for our early van back to Guatemala City.

Of Futbol, Politics and Mexican Food

The morning after the wedding, a small contingent of our group saddled up and headed out of Panajachel for another town called Antigua (the one in Guatemala, not the one the Beach Boys sang about). We had elected to leave early so that we could make it to Antigua, find a bar and watch the USA v. Mexico Gold Cup Final (a soccer game for the un-initiated). The road between the towns was a brutal mountain road, and it managed to claim a few of us. The fact that our driver thought he was Earnhardt Jr. didn't help matters. But hey, at least my EMT skills were put to some kind of use! The game was great! The hotel we're staying in actually had a giant screen TV and a 'Tienda' (store) right up the road had beers and snacks. We enjoyed the second half, in which the US team (not even at full strength) stepped on the gas and walked away with the victory. We asked a few of the locals if they were rooting for the US or Mexico (Guatemala has a bit of a history with Mexico as well as the US). Almost all of them responded with "We're not watching it because Guatemala isn't in it"...fair enough I say.

As rain began to fall in Antigua, we decided that we should go 'walk about' and see what the town had to offer. The whole place is set up around a gigantic square. There are a boat load of shops, restaurants, etc. We ended up having a blast even with the rain. Since it was Sunday, all of the locals were out too and there was a lot of people watching. Now most guidebooks I've read always say "stay away from large gatherings and political rallies". So obviously, when we saw a Guatemalan election rally taking place in the town square, we headed right over to check things out. Basically, it was fireworks and speeches I couldn't understand ...it was pretty cool. We found out later that the guy running is thought to have ties to the military and is more than a little shady. But most people don't give him a chance of winning, and I was able to cross another line off of my "things I probably shouldn't, but need to do in life" list.

That evening, the rest of the group showed up from Pana. With few exceptions, everyone had the same mountain driving experience we did. After every ones stomachs settled, we headed out for a meal at a Mexican (I know, I know) place that one of the guidebooks recommended. The place was called 'Frieda's' ...as in the artist/ feminist/ activist... okay, the lady made famous by her 'uni-brow' (ding! we have a winner). Food was great, and the place was a blast. Generally, trying to have dinner with a group this big is a pain in the arse, but the staff was really cool, and opened the upstairs for us which helped a ton. After dinner, the 'gringos borachos' walked home through the square, passed the illuminated church. Our group was made up of about four guys and twelve girls at this point, so we definitely attracted some attention... admitedly self-inflicted. Carlos, Carlos and I had some trouble with the camera trying to take this picture...(which actually was the girls idea) but I assure everyone that it was purely a technical issue, and we were total professionals. In the end, it was all in good fun and most everyone made it home.